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June 18, 2008
Reflections
Wow, how long has it been since I've blogged? 6 weeks? 8 maybe?
I didn't feel right about blogging about my Mom's illness. She was a very private person and I know she wouldn't have wanted her business all splashed out in the blogosphere.
I will, however, give you the cliff notes version. We found out in February that Mom had stage 4 lung cancer. The prognosis was not good. She had chemo, radiation, lots of hospitalization, medication, etc. She fought it hard. Harder than I thought someone so small ever could. But on the afternoon of June 11 her little body just gave out. The spirit was willing but...well you know....
Cancer sucks.
There's no other way to say it. It just blows. It takes your strength and leaves you with pain. It takes your will, your energy, hell it takes your damn hair and leaves you with agony and misery. I would give my money, my life, my everything so no other family have to go through what we just went through. It just isn't fair.
But I have learned so much through this journey. About myself and about the world. The last 4 months have changed the person that I am.
I've learned that people are amazing. Truly. Family, friends, colleagues, neighbours, bank tellers, waitresses, nurses, random people on the street. It just blows me away. I've learned that when people say 'what can I do to help' you should take them up on it, because they really mean it! I would not be sitting here without the love and support of so many people. People rock
I've also learned the power of laughter. A good strong belly laugh is better than Xanex. If you surround yourself with people that get your sense of humour, you will always be ok. Seriously. It doesn't matter if it's just stupid internet humour, a cheesy sitcom or Even just goofing off with a fuzzy dog. It can change everything. So laugh, and laugh lots.
I learned how strong my Mom was. Damn. She hung on longer and fought harder than anyone thought she could. I can still picture her nurse looking at me like, 'I don't know how the hell she is doing this' .She was on enough drugs to stop a horse, filled with unbelievable amounts of cancer and couldn't eat for days and yet she still reminisced with us over old photos, watched her favourite TV shows every day and tried to do everything for herself. I am so proud. You have no idea.
I know now that I have inherited some of that strength. I've dealt with doctors, lawyers, the city, the government, insurance, emergency room visits, pain, vomit, filth, snow, you name it. And I'm still here. I'm still standing. I never thought it would be possible. Roar.
But I still can't believe I'm here. I can't believe that today I'm going to collect my Mother's death certificate. Boy, that's going to be hard. I can't believe I'm packing up her house, going through her stuff. I know that I'm going to cry a lot over the next few hours, days, weeks, months, years. I know that my birthday will never be the same. That Christmas will be bitter sweet. That when I do something good there will be a little part of me that will always want to pick up the phone to ring my Mom. It's kind of like I'm just moved into some alternate universe. One that I really don't want to be in. And I know that there will be a hundred little things that will come up and make me do that tight lipped half smile I do when something hurts.
But I also know that I can make it. With lots of love and support (and a few cold ones) I will start this new path in life. I know so much more now that I did 4 months ago. I love my friends, my family, my wonderful husband more than I thought possible.
Ya know, I used to always say that when I was growing up I wanted to be Mary Tyler Moore but I ended up being Rhoda. Mary was the epitome of the independent woman, tall, cool, sexy. And man she had a cool apartment. Rhoda was the not-so-cute neighbour, never as with it or as strong as Mary. She was never quite together, always a little flustered, always out of place. That's how I always saw myself. As Rhoda. Never quite as strong, funky, or together as the next gal. But now, sitting here, things have changed. I am strong. I am together. And while I don't think I'm very cool, I really don't give a shit. I feel like I have graduated. I feel like I've shifted. I feel like I am Mary. (with a few Rhoda moments occasionally....) Oh, maybe I should run around in a circle and throw my beret in the air...
But I hope wherever Mom is there is a 24 hour Law and Order marathon, the beer is always cold, and Bush is no longer president.
I'm going to miss you Mom, but you will always be with me. Always.
-gg
Posted by gadgetgirl at June 18, 2008 10:56 PM
Comments
Hey Mary!
17 weeks. Not that I've been counting. Or missing you or anything.
I've said it before, but I'll say it again...
So proud of you. And hurry on home.
xx
Posted by: Kt at June 19, 2008 12:52 AM
i'm so happy to be with you again. we'll be home soon. i love you and am so proud of you. you've done amazing things in these last 4 months.
Posted by: mr gg at June 19, 2008 01:03 AM
(Law and Order marathon. I can't get over that.) Much love, and I can't wait for you to come home. We all miss you!
Posted by: Kris at June 19, 2008 08:01 AM
xx
Posted by: tracey at June 19, 2008 07:00 PM
It is great to hear from you at long last. We have been watching and waiting. I think I know a little of what you have been through. My cousin, who was two years younger than I, died of leukemia after a two year struggle when he was 15. It is great that you stayed over there though it all and look forward to you returning.
Posted by: yewenyi at June 19, 2008 08:38 PM
since i have known you, you have always been one of the coolest people i know. and i think everybody knew you had that strength in you, you have always kicked ass in everything you set on. your very brave and we send you lots of love and will think of you everyday.
Posted by: ec at June 19, 2008 09:08 PM
you have always been mary, it just took a bit of eye opening to see it. i think of you all the time and wish you well!
Posted by: ryan at June 20, 2008 04:23 PM
that would be heaven, law and order....
Missed you.
Posted by: eighmie at June 23, 2008 01:18 PM
Wow, so sorry to hear about that. After my dad dying I know just how badly cancer sucks, how quickly it works, and how unexpected the end always is. My thoughts are with you and your family.
Posted by: tankboy at June 26, 2008 10:40 PM
{Hug!}
Posted by: miftik at July 6, 2008 11:29 AM